Fitting Together.

Sometimes I'll search and search.  My eyes squinted, wide open or blurry and unfocused.  I'm grasping for something that I feel unclear of.  There is a specific quest afoot and I am eager to find my footing within it.  I hope upon hope that my path will help me to stumble upon my desired view.  The object to be find, the emotion left to me.

This path can take days, weeks, months of grasping.  Then.  So suddenly in 5 minutes the path becomes clear, questions become answers and the guess work is over.  You sit there reflecting, this answer has been sitting here all along, so why oh why did it take me so long to find it?

Some leave it to faith or chance the unanswerable questions.  Some pray or manifest.  Others just wait, patiently, or otherwise.  I suppose I'm a little from column A, a little from column B.  As I find solutions to my problems I find myself just feeling thankful that I can find what I need if I just keep the search, and myself open to the possibilities that may come.

Letting Go

The thing about life with a three year old is that it constantly requires me readjusting my relationship to myself in life.  I am consistently needing to hone back my own tendencies towards control as we discuss situations in our home.  Seasoning a soup can be a battle of the greatest measure.  Folding the laundry I bit my lip.  Then there are moments which I can allow her to be just as controlling as she needs to be.  Like making a Halloween Costume.

Of course I have an idea of how I'm going to put the pieces of felt together, to best result in the friendly monster that she's requested to be.  So Gaber has fell asleep and I pull out my scraps of felt and fleece, we make a drawing, and start cutting.  I make a base, and start carefully piecing the bits I think should go together; and then Ce starts getting her creative juices going.  And she has ideas, this one.  She starts layering and adding and creating, and I pull back, hold in my plans and realize that this is one of those blessed moments in parenting when you can just sit back and say yes.

Because it's a costume!  It's creativity expressed!  This is the moment to give her the tools to let go and create! 

And that feels amazing, don't you agree?

Bottomless Love

Sometimes it occurs to me that the love that my children feel is an endless supply. They do not have a need to test the limits of the container of love that exists for them. They worry not that there will be open arms for them when they come home to us. There is almost always a snuggle in the wings; a word of encouragement to come.  It is a special feeling this security. 

It occurred to me this morning as I was reassuring Ce. We were having a conversation about independence, about how we all sometimes have different needs and it was in allowing for each individuals' needs that some of the greatest beauty in life occurred. She hopped out of our bed with a confidence to run downstairs and I called after her, "I love you!"  And off she went!

In her ability to feel safe not returning my message was a teaching moment in love, in security and in life. What gifts these children are in our lives. What a constant presence and present they are. 

With love to you and yours today. 

a list

making : fermented hot sauce!  so excited.

cooking : vegetables, vegetables, more vegetables!

drinking : lattes.

reading : http://fortydaysofdating.com/

wanting : a house cleaning fairy.

looking : to be where I am.

playing : less than my kiddos want.

wasting : time on the computer.

sowing : saving seeds for sowing next spring.

wishing : we could save more money.

enjoying : my knitting.

waiting : for fall.

liking : fermented pickles.

wondering : what the future will bring my work life.

loving : my husband, so very much.

 hoping : that i'm living with enough grace.

marvelling : at just how quickly they grow up.

needing : patience

smelling : tomatoes.

wearing : out of bed pajamas

following : gaber, more and more!

noticing : how much more stimulation Ce needs than I can give her!

knowing : that i am empowered!

thinking : about moving my body.

bookmarking : recipes.

opening : my hands.

giggling : with friends, always.

feeling : tired & content.

idea taken from Che and Fidel by way of bluebirdbaby.

These Two:

Are as sweet as can be. 

With big and little arms alike.

A smile to start your day with.  A friendship to carry with you.  A hunger and thirst so immediate, and so complete there is no patience in it's arrival.  With oddities and quirks that fill your heart with ache, as it is with every cycle of the moon that your heart is linked with their successes, and their falls.  A scraped toe, a bonked knee, an unintended roll and off your heart skips with their sweet little needs.  Oh, to be the mother of such two as these!  Pure and utter joy and exhaustion!

a very good idea

What do you wear to a bonfire as the tides going out?  How does it feel on a hot summer day to gather together on the shore?  Who do we talk to, share with, relate to?  Where do we stand, shuffle & skip?  A collection of friends, loves, family busy loving life.

memory

What I notice in the process of loss and remembering is that my memories are of happiness.  I find myself seeing them all in light, in love, in joy.  With smiles of thoughts, with a shine to their eyes, a brightness to their spirit.  The rest fades away.  The odd posture, the side-long glance in a photograph reminds me of their quirks, the way they hollered, their down moments.  However the way I see them in my minds is with enjoyment.  Enjoying the way they nurtured me, loved me, helped me and I hold them next to that place of love.