Staying Open

This is a point in which I feel a new wave. A wave of action, rearrangement, reclaiming, conflict even. There are emotions and opinions outside of the monumental cloak of grief again. Suddenly there are events more recent and more demanding than that of the loss of my mother's life. The shock of the accident is passed and there is room to question and room to remember all the important events of other people's lives. It's easy to be torn between moving forward in life and being stuck in sadness. It's easy to be torn between being open to those around you and closing down within yourself. It may feel safer to close up your emotions, it may be easier for most to continue on.

I feel lost in all of that, I feel confused. Sometimes all I want to do is lay on the couch and bathtub and bedroom, but I also want to reclaim my home, my family, my life. I want to knit and redecorate and create a sanctuary for my family. I want to create a home that feels like walking into a vacation; that feels cozy and comfy and smells wonderful and is uncluttered. My house feels very cluttered, very full, very stagnant; my desire is to open up the energy system of my home. To Feng Shui the shit out of it. To tidy and declutter and create storage. Simple lines, clean surfaces, no clutter. Add one 20 month-old, one 346 month-old, one 420 month old and whoever happens to walk in the door at whatever moment and you get a whole house of piled corners. As it's really in none of our natures to fight that particular kind of chaos daily... weekly or monthly perhaps, but to daily fight chaos? Not us particularly. So here I am trying to open up and create some elbow room.

I'm also attempting to open up my heart center in yoga these days, I even applied it while walking through town with a 25 pound monkey on your back. I have been applying the bridge to my body for months now, and done a few fish pose, even a camel or two. However I've been afraid to attempt an inverted table, and on Friday I conquered that fear. I opened, was strong without quiver and flexible. I was grinning ear to ear in it. I even learned a life lesson as I felt a pang in my right shoulder and realized I could simply redistribute my weight into the more flexible areas of my body. I realized that my body is one system composed of many different pieces and when one piece of your body is sensitive you create a gentler relationship with that piece. I then thought to myself, I can apply this thought to the relationships in my life as well and can protect myself within a difficult relationship, whether it be a person, caffeine, or cleaning my home. We are learning together to be careful with one another out of love and opening our hearts in the process. (fingers crossed!)