Light & Love

I began to dream again last night.,


Yesterday was so still,


Love is all around.

I promise that we are coping and I promise that we are taking care of ourselves. We are open and not closing. My mother's life was a hard one, she struggled with alcoholism for my entire adult life, which was her path of coping with being Bi-Polar and having a Borderline Personality Disorder (I still don't understand what that means). She was healing. I am left wondering many things which will come later.

My brother thanked me for knowing what to do the day we said goodbye to her body. And it's true, I have known what to do, for whatever reason my intuition is guiding this ship in our family. Perhaps it's because I have just become the matriarch of our little line at 18 McLellan Street. I realize that with the death of my mother that I have become an elder. At age 28 I am an elder. I seem to hold a wisdom beyond my years, and my action, my decisions affect EVERYONE'S mourning process. When I stand proudly others know that it's safe to stand proudly. When I laugh, they know that we are allowed to use humor in these difficult moments.

Of course I could be none of this without you mother. For all of the hard places her and I shared we were also working very hard to be loving and present for one another. I would draw places in the sand for her, lay boundaries where others could not and later, always later, she thanked me for it. She never hesitated to tell me how much our time together meant to her, especially of late. For all the fears she had in life, she was also so fearless to communicate. She instilled pride in me, creativity and the gift of the option to be exactly who I was. I have so much thanks for her life. So much thanks for my life.

I feel proud that I was able to give my mother her greatest joy in the last years in this human world. The gift of my family. For Rafi and Becky loved one another, he even used her childhood name, Bebekah, which meant little girl in Greek and was how she came to be Becky from Helen. We made Cecilia who was her beacon of hope and light and love. She brought her nothing but joy and don't we all deserve that? I feel so thankful for the gift of giving her that love. I know it will be what I always come back to as I mourn her, Love. I have discovered in this process that I am a conduit for healing. Allow us to heal together.

When I write these words, and you in turn read them you are healing me. It helps me to share. Keep the emails coming, it helps me write and to gather strength. You are never too much, and if you are I will tell you, so, worry not. Keep us all in the light and the love,.

Think of my family who mourns:
Edward,
Nick,
Barbara,
Molly,
Rafi,
Eileen,
Cam.

Think of our community who mourns and grapples and questions. Keep us all in light and love and help us all to find peace.