The rain has been falling for days now. It's not a hard rain, it's the kind that accompanies change of season, it reminds me of spring really, but of course we are headed into winter. We are headed into the cold and we are already in the dark. That's comforting actually we will soon have the longest night of the year which means that in 2 weeks time we will be having more light fill our days. This is one of our blessings.
The grief is so quiet right now. I am left wondering about our plan here constantly, and know that I have nothing but time to process the change within. I have a lifetime of processing ahead of me and an afterlife of peace.
When a life such as Becky's was so fraught with pain it creates an interesting dynamic in death. She was in severe emotional pain daily when she was living and now I truly believe she is free from that burden. We are free from her disease. I do not have to be worried about her anymore. There is no alcohol left for her to drink. There is no more judgment left for her to feel. There is no more hate to contend with. There is only love and it is a relief. I am not afraid of her any longer. I no longer have to guard my heart from her. A part of my soul has relaxed for the first time in my life.
So when I sound ok on the telephone, this is why. My mother and I have found peace for the first time. Exhale. I am thankful for this, and of course mightily confused by it. I keep wondering when the next wave of pain will come and am trying to conserve my energy for that time.
There has been a date set for her memorial service:
Saturday, December 17th at 10am.
Presbyterian Church in Topsham
There will be a reception to follow, please bring photos to share.
Here is a link to her Obit if you missed it.
I am also thinking of some sort of service in Washington County at some point, so do not feel like you HAVE to drive down if you cannot, we will have time to mourn her.
Beautiful, Anne. Just beautiful.
ReplyDeleteThank you for your honest comments on how you are feeling right now. There can be such a strange sense of relief with the death of a parent who is suffering. I know from my own experience. I love you, Anne.
ReplyDeleteSuch truth..Love...
ReplyDeleteI came back to this posting, as it spoke so directly to me, and need to tell you how helpful it was. Nearly two years after my mother's death-in very different circumstances-I still struggle to deal with my relief that she is gone-no more judgement, no more pain, no more fruitless attempt to fix what had long been broken in her. Thank you.
ReplyDelete