And Then....

...you get floored again. Evey thing was moving along so hunky dory; functioning, washing dishes, staying positive, moving forward, joking, laughing, playing, feeling great. KABAM, hello couch, hello bed, hello bathtub, I remember you. Hello numbness, overwhelmed, fatigue, grumpy & empty, welcome back. Such is life with depression and when you lace depression with grief it is all the more powerful at wiping a soul out. So what do I do? I sleep. I retreat. I go inward. Then, 18 hours later I'm basically functioning again.

This is something I'm attempting to embrace in my life. I allow the melancholy to come in, to ravage me, and then to leave and let me be. Because for whatever reasons my chemistry and my emotional state needs the other side of happy and pleasant to properly balance it out. I'm beginning to think that rather than being overcome by this state if I were to embrace it's appearance as a friend reminding me to slow down that perhaps with time my coping mechanisms would improve. Instead of feeling like a victim to this emotional state I'll bring it on as an old friend and have tea with it.

"Oh hello depression, how are you today? Oh you're here because I've been doing too much? Ahhhhh, thank-you for the reminder, let's rest together. Go on, put your feet up! Oh do take your muddy boots off first." Or something like that and we can settle into a siesta together.

Perhaps I sound delusional, or perhaps there's something to this. Re-frame my mind around this state of being and change it from a negative into one of my truths. It's an option anyways...

Getting To The Post.

The mail goes out at 4pm in Eastport. Important thing to take into consideration when wondering at 3:10 if you can eek out one little note card during nap time before walking across Water Street. Yesterday I sat at Bank Square Pizza eating Beef Tinga Quesadilla Platter with Rice and Beans. Run, don't walk to this delicious treat! (Marilu can we have local beef tinga soon please???) While sitting at my booth and Ce asleep in her stroller I finished my last hat knitting project and got all 4 hats into the mail. You lucky recipients will soon know who you are!

I got that old life/new life crossing wires sensation sitting and working on little projects in the afternoon at a cafe. I spread out across the table and sipped on tea and picked away at each project. It was lovely. I hope you're able to carve out some productive alone time out and about in the world for yourself this week!

Favorite Moments

There are these times throughout your day that make all the chores and getting out of bed worth it. There's breakfast, filled with greek yogurt and syrup and lattes. There are the moments of getting dressed in the morning, choosing perhaps the brightest color combination of stripes available in your closet. Or when you set to work doing meal prep in the clean sink in your house. There are also the moments when you lean back on the couch, knitting project in hand, husband playing a dance tune and we all sing along while Cecilia plays and dances!

There are also the walks downtown in the sunlight where you run into a favorite friend and convince them to steal away 20 minutes in their days to share a treat or a traipse in the New 2 You. There's the quiet peace given while Cecilia watches Sesame Street. There's the cast-on and cast-off of a knitting project. Or a package arriving in the mail, one that contains the above shown red & white striped leggings.

Life in Image

"The Girl"
Dinner at El Camino
I've Begun My Raglan Sweater
Raised in A Barn
Glorious Picnic Lunch at McLellan Street.

Looks Like They Missed One Another

These are the scenes I've been watching for the last 36 hours:


Main event: Cecilia sitting on "Dadgee's" lap. Cecilia running up to Rafi's office. Cecilia calling out for her Puppa. Cecilia so happy to be reunited with her Puppa. I was surprised at how much more attached she is to him now then the previous times we've been away from him. She really missed him, and is really reattaching herself to him. I'd even say she's having a bit of anxiety around separating from him.

It's extremely sweet to see the two of them so mightily attached to one another, especially after coming off of the first 14 months where she was literally attached to my breast. I remember Raf feeling so cast aside by her actions of preferring her mother, and now the playing field has changed... reversed even! It's much more likely to be Rafi that she calls out for at night, goes to for comfort and cuddles. It is so sweetly wonderful to watch my daughter and husband have so much love for one another! I'm blessed over and over again!

Look What I Did...

I went to Purl Diva in Brunswick with a reasonable budget of $40 for yarn. I spent ages combing each room, imagining what I could make, touching the yarns, admiring the colors, the softness of the wools. I bought 2 skeins of a lovely merino fair trade wool that was kettle-dyed, by Manos, the name of the yarn was "Speeding Ticket," an incredible hot pink-salmon color. And then I bought another chunky purple skein for a quick little project.

Then I got back to Ed's house and started to stew overnight and peek at patterns and imagined myself in a sweater. A hot pink sweater. A soft sweater. A hand-knit, feminine sweater. Then somehow I convinced myself to blow my budget and purchase another 4 skeins of the marvelous yarn:

Speeding Ticket Indeed.

Cleaning Out

Each window of time spent in my Mother and Ed's home allows me to attach and detach a bit more to all of her posessions. I never really thought of all the things that hold value to me emotionally before at my mother's house. I never imagined them to not be there for always, my mother's bright, eclectic, childlike, disorganized and dusty collections. With each visit I'm able to strip away another layer, perhaps it's a window sill, or a pile of baskets or a photo collection, but with each visit I'm able to minimize another corner. At this point I'm not only removing the items I have no attachment to, but taking with me the items I am attached to the very most. It tells me a lot about how my mother's aesthetics have formed mine.

I am drawn to her yarns and needles of course, but also to her craft supplies. Her notecards are interesting to me, her notebooks and places of reflection. Some of her jewelry holds weight and I'm unclear on how her clothing is affecting me at this point, I note attachment to the things she wore as a young mother to me. I have no attachment to her shoes of jackets. I am intensely drawn to certain tchotchkes and decorative items.

I am so thankful that clearing through my mother's possesions can be a gradual process, one that we are eallowed to pick away at bit by bit. I am thankful that I love my mother as much as I do, but am also able to detach from so many of her things, in some ways it's easier to miss her and appreciate her aesthetic if I'm allowed to curate her collections to my very favorite items. I get to remember only my very best conotations through the things that we choose to keep. It's a nice luxury in death, to hold onto your favorite personality traits. I'm allowed to forgive the rest as human error, just as I would in a science report.

Drinking & Knitting in Brunswick

After bringing a very excited Cecilia to stay with her Grammy and Grumpy for two nights I was left to my own devices in Brunswick for a glorious 3 days. I've spent much of this time with these two:
We've generally been having decadent meals, enriching conversations, moments of clearing, sorting through my mother's giant collections and sharing tears and laughter. It's been some very nice quiet time for my soul and spirit to be with these 2 generations of Hawes'. Relaxing and fun family time.

I've also had some time to myself, and in those moments I've walked through Bowdoin's campus straight to my favorite coffee shop in Brunswick, The Bohemian Coffee Roasters, to find some solitude in these:

Sip... Sip... Stitch... Stitch... Stitch... Stitch... Sip...

And then I found myself post yarn store indulgence at an old mill building at the bar of The Frontier Cafe sipping on a very dry cider. I sat eavesdropping on the waitstaff ending their shifts after Sunday Brunch. Very quietly knitting and sipping, tending to not a soul, but myself.

Thank goodness for grandparents, wool and indulgences.

Hand Knits

The Bowdoin Pines Hat, made for Rafi out of worsted weight wools, on size 8 needles.
My first pom-pom! My first pictorial piece too!

My February Pick-Me-Up Hat, made for me!
Worsted Weight Wools from Becky's stash with size 8 needles.

A triangular scarf that looks like a wizard beard in this picture, again for me.
I'm not in love with this and am still considering pulling it out and redoing.
Worsted Weight wool on size 13 needles.

A great pixie hat for Cecilia that she won't wear! It's a bit big so I have hope for next year!
Link to pattern here, I used worsted weight Quince & Co and size 7 needles (I believe).

Simple Mittens, I made them without a thumb so that Rafi could wear them while his thumb was broken in a splint, but soon i will finish them and then felt them some so they fit me!
Icelandic Worsted Weight Wool from Kilby Ridge Farm in Dennysville, size 7 needles.

A Hat I made for Allison, but it's the size of a child's head, and again Ce won't wear it!
Fingerling Weight (I think) and size 6 needles.

Above My Desk

Is a notecard of a Momma Owl with 2 babies sent by my mother in November.

A Garfield comic strip about love and pastries.

Calligraphy of my family's names.

An "I heart the Hopkins!" cursive from Allison Gumbel.

Another notecard with birds on it also from Allison.

The Quote: "The sweetest part is acting after making a decision. Start to see the whole as the sum of it's parts."

A copper arrow.

A Ceci pendant from Lindy by the Sea.

A beautiful piece of paper with red blooms printed on it.

A small drawing by Ms. Ce.

And a large pea painting/collage by Ms. Ce.

The Cool Club

I realized this morning while laying in bed listening to Rafi and Cecilia putz around at Rafi's desk that our family is the best thing I've ever been a part of! I mean these two people make me feel like the best person on earth, we're each integral to the others survival... totally co-dependent! And I love it! I love them and love how they make me feel!

The Brighton Avenue Cool Club, members: 3.
Anne Shields Hopkins, Momma
Rafi Eric Hopkins, Puppa
Cecilia Maree Hopkins, Daughter

I love this club and this family! Happy Valentines Day!!!!!!

Scrubbing The Whirley Pop

I found myself washing the dishes this morning, and singing my daughter a song: "When you haven't washed the dishes for the better part of a week! It takes awhile to wash the dishes!" There were other verses to this song, but as I was scrubbing the heck out of the built up layers of grime on the exterior of our beloved popcorn popper I was able to consider the satisfaction of scrubbing the layers. We all get that way, you clean out your junk drawer or clean a cupboard or wash a neglected corner of your home, perhaps you balance your checkbook or pay your bills. And there's a sigh of relief. No matter which cupboard or box of papers or corner of your garage is in need of attention there's the empowering feeling of knowing you may get to all of the corners someday.

You'll clean your refrigerator, you'll wash your woolens, you'll do your filing. And the chaos will subside, if only for a moment you will have piece and the feeling of calm. Perhaps no one else will ever notice the hour you spent, but your brain will have one less thing to check off the mental to-do list. You feel that much safer in your home and head. That much calmer.

To a week of peaceful reconciliation of the mid-winter checklist!

Bravery & Emotion

It's fascinating as a parent to watch my own child feel so safe expressing her own sadness, anger, frustration, joy, pain and more. Her ability to act out her emotions is tremendous, overwhelming, but tremendous. She's a fantastic educator this little friend of mine who shows me by example that it's safe to show her anger, when she is so irrational and consumed by her emotion.

This is a trial for me, I've never really learned how to express anger. As a child there was enough of it around me that I felt safer going inward and as Rafi and I grow into one another we seem to have less passive aggressive sadness and more outright communication. With trust and comfort seems to come the ability to honestly express yourself without fear. It feels like a continual blessing to have a family who empowers me to better feel & understand my emotional state. Even better is having a daughter who is so fearless in helping me open up to the bravery inside me and explore safe ways to express myself. I feel present when she's feeling her extremes and waiting with a hug when she's ready to come up for air.

I do, I draw, me! me! me!

My daughter seems to have developed the use of verbs and pronouns. "I" and "me" are popular subject matters in her 21 month-old vocabulary. Instead of using solely "no" we now have the ability to express ourselves with a "don't!" Verbs sound like, "go," "pee," "eat" and "pie," which means play of course. We also have some great nouns that cover categories of words "cookie," for example means all baked goods, sweets and candies. Or there's always the noun/verb combo such as "book!" good for identification as well as the request of one's company whilst reading. There's also the general attention getting call of "MUUUUUUMMMYYYEEEEEE!!!!" normally accompanied with panic or giggles depending on the scenario of what she's done, but regardless, similarly important.

Snippets

-I'm back on lattes and they feel oh so good: comforting, warm, milky, gentle, sweet; Ce is pretty pleased to have steamed milk be a part of regular day to day as well.

-I've completed 6 knitting projects since mid-January, I'm learning a lot about patterning and, boy do I feel comfortable making a hat that fits! I'm really enjoying working through my mum's yarn stash and exploring using many colors in one design. This is my creativity these days, and it feels really great, and functional to boot.

-Cecilia has just come downstairs in only a diaper and has run to the window shouting and pointing, "snow! snow! snow!" out the window.

-There is forward energy on Eat Local Eastport Buying Club, it is growing and I can feel myself getting ready to shift to better meet my community's needs. The question is how to be properly compensated for my energy & time while keeping costs low to the consumer. There is a workshop coming up between Washington County Buying Clubs & Farmers that will hopefully be helpful in continuing my dialog and then I plan to create time to have further conversations within Eastport to get a firm understanding of what people really want out of their local food source. The trick will be balancing my ideals of a 90% local food chain with most consumer's reality of a 10% local food consumption rate.

-I am constantly reminding myself that life is simply taking steps forward and backward. I am just trying to keep my footsteps balanced with hope that I might end up facing forward when I catch my breath.

Life in Image (belated)

Her Favorite Things:

Markers.
Farm Animals To Bed.
Yogurt & Applesauce.
Pee & Poop.

A Reminder

Hello family of friends. I've been getting a lot of concerned notes, calls and eyes lately. I know that my blog posts have not been cheery, reminder: I am not cheery right now. Yes, I have cheery moments, and yes, I'm still quite functional, and yes, I'll be just fine, but this is the most difficult emotional shift in my life. My mother was killed in a car accident and I am a new mother and wife. Oh, and it's the middle of winter. I have a full plate and the time I spend on my blog seems to be a time where I am reflective, where I am asking questions, where I am presenting some difficult truths.

I breathe.
I journal.
I do yoga.
I have an amazing husband.
I have not one, but two psychologists.
I walk daily.
I take antidepressants.
I have friends I can trust and rely upon.
I play and dance with Cecilia every single day.
I take hot baths.
I knit.

I am ok, I am just struggling. Please do not worry, thank-you!

Macrobiotic Control

Macro meaning large and Bio meaning life. Is that what I'm in search of by restricting my diet? Creating a large life? Is it restriction or limitation? I am cleaning out my digestion to create more room for balance, for integrity, for hope. I think there's a less flattering attribute to the cleanse, and I think it's control. To exercise restraint, to dominate, to command. That makes sense doesn't it? When life feels chaotic, when my coping mechanisms (coffee & sugar & The Standard American Diet) feel like addictions, it makes sense that I would grasp for something tangible to hold on to and to change in myself. It doesn't feel permanent, it feels like a time of transition, it feels like one question, "What am I going to eat?" answered for me. It helps me focus my energy, to think about what time I'll go to bed, waking up is easier, I've started to journal.... are these the outcomes of control?

In "taking control of my life" I feel as though I'm missing out on something however. I feel as though I'm missing out on spontaneity, on socializing, on a natural way of living. I feel adaptable to this diet, but it doesn't flow out of me. It doesn't satisfy something inside me the same way, it feels contrived. I miss the pleasurable food in my life, the lattes and sweets, animal proteins and freedom. It requires so much more forethought to visit with friends, to go to work for the day and to fill that midday snack fix. I even feel unsatisfied often and though the actual preparation of the food is easy, I am left wondering if it is worth it.

How is this helping me? To what service is it bringing me? How will my life be better for doing this cleanse? Things to ponder in another day of whole grains, steamed veggies, beans and sea vegetables.