Macro meaning large and Bio meaning life. Is that what I'm in search of by restricting my diet? Creating a large life? Is it restriction or limitation? I am cleaning out my digestion to create more room for balance, for integrity, for hope. I think there's a less flattering attribute to the cleanse, and I think it's control. To exercise restraint, to dominate, to command. That makes sense doesn't it? When life feels chaotic, when my coping mechanisms (coffee & sugar & The Standard American Diet) feel like addictions, it makes sense that I would grasp for something tangible to hold on to and to change in myself. It doesn't feel permanent, it feels like a time of transition, it feels like one question, "What am I going to eat?" answered for me. It helps me focus my energy, to think about what time I'll go to bed, waking up is easier, I've started to journal.... are these the outcomes of control?
In "taking control of my life" I feel as though I'm missing out on something however. I feel as though I'm missing out on spontaneity, on socializing, on a natural way of living. I feel adaptable to this diet, but it doesn't flow out of me. It doesn't satisfy something inside me the same way, it feels contrived. I miss the pleasurable food in my life, the lattes and sweets, animal proteins and freedom. It requires so much more forethought to visit with friends, to go to work for the day and to fill that midday snack fix. I even feel unsatisfied often and though the actual preparation of the food is easy, I am left wondering if it is worth it.
How is this helping me? To what service is it bringing me? How will my life be better for doing this cleanse? Things to ponder in another day of whole grains, steamed veggies, beans and sea vegetables.
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